Cranford: He Wants The Kids In School. She Doesn’t. What To Do? – Cranford, NJ Patch

CRANFORD AND WESTFIELD, NJ — Parenting with an ex can be hard enough without tackling a slew of complex health issues that are difficult even for spouses living together: Should the kids choose on-site or remote learning for school? When should they wear a mask, and what kind?

Family law attorneys Sheryl Seiden, who lives in Westfield, and Christine Fitzgerald, who lives in Montclair, say that at their Cranford-based firm, they’ve been hearing from local parents struggling to make these decisions and consider everyone’s health situation.

In New Jersey, at least 180 schools have decided to reopen only remotely because they can’t meet the new state health guidelines in time to prevent the spread of coronavirus. While most children will recover from the virus, some have lost a parent, both parents, or siblings to it, which in turn affects their emotional health.

And several districts said they can’t open on-site in September because their teachers are taking family leave or have a health condition (the federal government recently said that about half of American adults have some kind of “pre-existing condition”).

Other districts are offering a choice of remote or in-person learning, with some offering on-site learning two to three days a week.

What do parents do when their children live in two homes?

Some parents already have language in their agreements about decisionmaking, or a school decision may fall according to where the child usually lives. But some may still find it challenging to discuss these matters.

“This is stressful and confusing for everyone,” she said in an interview. “It’s moreso when coparenting [apart].”

Each parent may have different health considerations for themselves or people they live with, and different situations in the town they live.

Meanwhile, misinformation and hoaxes about the virus have spread on social media.

Fitzgerald said that there have been situations in which she has been pleasantly surprised by parents who’ve worked well on coronavirus issues even when they didn’t always agree on other matters. “That means the parents are doing their job,” she said, “and lawyers are doing their job.”

For others, she said, “I think the particular issue of remote learning vs. in person learning seems to be most challenging. I think everyone across the board is struggling with this. I think every parent wants to make sure their kids are safe and healthy [physically], and also socializing and mentally healthy. It’s a difficult decision.”

Fitzgerald said, “For coparents, the best way to handle this, and maybe it’s easier said than done, is to discuss these issues and remember to have respect for each other: communication, respect, and compassion. Listen to what they have to say.”

She added that when attorneys discuss such matters, “The first step is to understand: What reason does one parent want remote learning? For experienced family law attorneys, we do it the same way we handle any disagreement. We try to work our way almost backwards: Is there a common theme?”

She said that if parents agree on on-site learning but have health concerns, “Maybe the child wears a mask and a face shield and gloves to school? Is that something kids can do, within their age and maturity level? If they learn remotely and need socialization, maybe there’s a small group of friends each kid has?”

For parents trying to agree on other safety measures, she said the courts have usually sided with current law and governors’ executive orders, for instance, regarding quarantining, travel, and wearing a mask in public places.

She said there are ways to avoid going to court, or filing an emergency motion. Sometimes attorneys can talk among themselves to resolve the matter, or conduct a four-way Zoom with the parents.

She said sometimes a parent can get a court order, but, “If you have two experienced family law attorneys, sometimes they can come up with creative solutions, and take the emotion out of it.”

She also said a mediator, parent coach, or a parent coordinator can help with complicated solutions.

A parent coordinator is usually a trained lawyer or social worker who can guide the parents, and if they can’t agree, they can make a recommendation to the court. Parent coordinators can also be retained post-divorce to be on call to help with various decisions and check-ins.

RELATED STORY: Another Westfield lawyer discussed how family courts are operating virtually, and the idea of divorce and pre-nuptial agreements during the pandemic; click here.

But could there be legal options if people strongly disagree on these issues within a marriage?

Fitzgerald said there’s a lot of question over whether “mid-marriage agreements” are valid in New Jersey.

She said that decisions can get harder right now when there are financial crises and stress about jobs.

To learn more about the Seiden firm, click here. Some family law firms provide free consultations; inquire about each one.

For domestic violence situations

In cases of domestic violence, call 911 or speak with the local police department or superior court (guidelines here). On the weekends, holidays, and after 3:30 p.m. Monday through Friday, when Superior Court can’t be reached, you can request a Temporary Restraining Order from the municipal court in your area, done through your state or local police department.

To receive information about contacting a court for a TRO, call your state or local police department or call the Statewide Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-572-SAFE (7233).

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