How inner demons nearly derailed the career of this Atlantic City-bound wrestler – NJ.com

The demons which have haunted Alex Jones started to surface once again Saturday.

Fortunately for the West Essex wrestler, these days, those demons pale in comparison to what they once were.

Hours earlier, Jones – the top seed at 145 pounds in Region 2 – had clinched his spot in the final.

But with that, added pressure in the spotlight – literally – was looming, something Jones had grown fearful of for years while dealing with a litany of personal issues he only recently started to open up about.

Though he was the higher seed, higher ranked and the more accomplished wrestler of the two finalists, securing his first career Region title was far from a foregone conclusion.

Forget winning for a moment, behind the scenes inside Mount Olive, concern was growing about Jones simply taking the mat as time was ticking down.

“I didn’t know if we were going to get him out there,” West Essex coach Mike Markey said. “Because of his condition, sometimes he doubts things that we take for granted. … A lot of times for him, it’s really just about making sure he knows that everything is okay and everything is going to be okay.”

As the time arrived, the lights dimmed and that spotlight – symbolic here in many ways – shined down on center mat.

Surrounded by darkness, with hundreds of sets of eyes focused on him, Jones did, in fact, take the mat.

In the past, moments like these are when Jones crumbled.

Too much pressure. Too much stress. Too big a stage.

Not this time.

The senior competed and flashed the kind of dominance he has all year en route to a 9-2 decision over Paramus Catholic’s Nicholas Franco to capture that elusive Region title, igniting the crowd at Mount Olive with every point scored.

It might not seem like much, but if only those in attendance knew the road Jones took getting there.

‘NO ONE SEES WHAT HAS GONE ON UNDER THE SURFACE’

Jones’ ‘condition’ is a complex one, involving issues he has dealt with since he was a child.

For years, the demons in his head were far greater than any opponent he faced in the circle.

“Sometimes it felt like my whole world was being turned upside down,” Jones said.

Depression, anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, to name a few, have all at various times virtually paralyzed Jones’ mind.

Some obsessions are less harmful or detrimental than others, like long being fixated on the number four – going as far as taking exactly four sips of water before starting any match or grabbing exactly four tissues at a single time.

Others, however, leave him in a seemingly helpless state of mind with his anxiety levels often peaking when wrestling is involved.

“The OCD and anxiety were getting in the way of everything in my life,” he said. “Even the littlest things, if they weren’t perfect, would throw me off. Sometimes if things aren’t right, I worry and eventually freeze up.”

It didn’t stop there.

He would begin to fear he’d suffer injuries he’s never had or even come close to having.

He would start fearing losses that hadn’t yet happened – many of which never did.

Most times, he would have recurring visions of the worst-case scenarios imaginable over and over again in his mind, no matter how many wins he kept racking up.

The doubt didn’t fade and the cycle was tough to break.

His OCD often led to anxiety which would lead to states of depression if things didn’t go perfectly according to the plan he had envisioned.

“I would always get these negative voices in my head telling me I’m not good enough,” Jones said. “A lot of times I’d lose a match before it even started, especially if a kid was ranked. I couldn’t handle it. A lot of times I was out there with a deer in headlights look.”

Markey noted how OCD is commonly referred to as “the doubting disease” – and for any competitive wrestler, even a hint of doubt can cripple the best of competitors.

On the surface, Jones was still having success on the mat.

Internally, though, it was a much different story.

“What he goes through causes him to get into modes of extreme panic,” Markey said. “For us, it’s about figuring out the things that work best for him, how we communicate, what makes him comfortable and what triggers him.”

It’s hard to believe when watching Jones wrestle there is – or ever was – even an ounce of doubt considering he’s been a highly regarded wrestler since beginning his career at Caldwell before transferring to West Essex his junior year.

It’s even harder to comprehend if you’ve never experienced that kind of feeling yourself.

“Obviously people see how talented he is,” Markey said. “But no one sees what has gone on under the surface. It’s like a duck gliding through water. From above, it looks beautiful, calm and easy.

“But under that water, those feet are churning. That’s how Alex is.”

‘THE DARKEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE’

Despite spending time in the state rankings his freshman year and becoming a state qualifier for the first time one year later, Jones’ two-year stint at Caldwell went anything but smooth.

As good as he was and as much promise as he showed, injuries – specifically an ankle injury that, to this day, still isn’t quite right, he said – prevented Jones from reaching his true potential early in high school career.

Then, under the bright lights of Boardwalk Hall, Jones went 0-2.

His season came to an abrupt end, with no state win to show for it.

Worsening matters, Jones would see opponents he beat go on to receive state medals and teammates he often got the best of in practices have more success than he.

Jones had failed on the state’s biggest stage.

“The darkest moment of my life,” Jones said. “You just feel like there’s no hope. It was heartbreaking because, deep down, I knew I was good enough to beat the kids I was losing to. And sometimes I would beat them. But most times, I’d choke. I never felt good enough, even though I was. It was a lot of self-sabotaging myself. A lot of self-doubt.”

The self-doubt nearly led to Jones giving up the sport for good.

He was in a state of “deep depression” following that sophomore wrestling season and, when he and his brother, Darren, transferred to West Essex early in their junior years, wrestling really wasn’t on Alex’s radar anymore.

“I was about to quit,” he said. “West Essex was kind of the last hope, but I wasn’t sure if the grass was going to greener on the other side or not. In the beginning, I really only came here for my brother; I was not going to continue wrestling. I wanted my brother to be in a better spot.”

The change of scenery, initially, did not go as planned or hoped for the brothers. Darren lost his first two matches with West Essex and Alex, while not wrestling, felt partially responsible.

Change was necessary.

“He didn’t look the same without me on the team,” Alex said. I’d never really seen him lose two matches, two dual meets like that. So I wanted to help him through that and I decided to give it one more try.”

THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

Jones’ initial start with West Essex came with wrestling being put very much on the back-burner.

Markey said, at the time, Jones was “injured, out of shape and disenchanted with wrestling.”

“He was broken,” Markey said. “I didn’t know if his wrestling days were going to continue, but we had to figure it out together and figure out if it was worth it. Once we started talking and he really let me in and I got to know him, I realized we had to put the kid back together first and hopefully the rest would fall into place.”

It all started simply.

The coach and athlete would go for walks together. They would lift weights together. They would share and exchange various books with each other and talk about them, mostly of the self-help, positivity and psychology variety.

Markey could relate, going through his own serious bouts of adversity in the past.

And eventually, there was progress and growth from Jones.

“That’s kind of what started this whole journey,” Markey said. “It was all really unrelated to wrestling. We started to develop a dialogue that became very much an open forum for him to share with me what he’s going through and help me walk through it with him.”

Eventually, while wrestling at a higher weight than he should have been for the betterment of the team, Jones became one of the anchors on West Essex’s Group 3 state championship team last year.

“Last year, it was like baby steps just to help our team,” Markey said. “He didn’t really have himself in the best condition. Didn’t have the mindset as he does now. But he was here for us and, man, I give him credit for even going out there. Most people wouldn’t.”

A potential moment for regression then ensued during last year’s postseason.

Jones, coming off a state-qualifying season with Caldwell, failed to win District 5 and didn’t make it out of Region 2 as the No. 4 seed at 152 pounds.

He was pinned in the third by Montville’s Noah Fox in a blood-round match which would have sent him back to Boardwalk Hall the kind of loss that haunts any wrestler, let alone one battling severe bouts of depression and anxiety.

The defeat put Jones’ road to recovery – and all the work put in up until that point – to the test.

While Jones did call the loss “heartbreaking,” he felt much more at ease with the outcome than he would have in years prior.

Afterward, there was no contemplation of quitting the sport. No deep states of depression.

It was simply back to work – and he has followed with the best year of his career.

“I think that was a milestone moment,” Markey said. “It was like he realized then that, ’Win or lose, you’re still going to be okay with me, buddy,’” Markey said. “One of the biggest things with the OCD was the need for everything to be perfect and it was unacceptable to lose or make mistakes. Losing was an unacceptable circumstance in his mind. But he learned that he could go out and lose all the matches and I’m not going to think any different of him.

“This is wrestling. As serious as we take it and as much work as we put into it, it’s supposed to be fun and exciting, high-fives and hugs. When I see Alex now come up laughing, smiling, shaking my hand, that’s all something that couldn’t happen a year ago. I’m more proud of the growth Alex has made as a man in the past year than I am of him as a wrestler. He’s an inspiration.”

Jones said he is “forever thankful” for his coach.

“He helped me out of it and showed me the way,” Jones said.

LAST RIDE

In the past year, Jones has undergone major transformations – both physically and mentally.

Though there are still lingering moments of occasional self-doubt, Jones admits he’s in a far better place mentally now than in the past.

“I’m beating it one step at a time,” Jones said. “I’m very confident I’ll overcome my own demons.”

He’s able to work himself out of most situations now and challenge himself outside of his comfort zone.

The very first time this season that he switched the number of sips of water he took – from four to three – he lost his only match of the year.

It didn’t deter him.

“The next time out, I took five,” he said. “And I won. I had to prove to myself I could do it.”

The paralyzing, debilitating moments of fear, anxiousness and depression have faded substantially.

A revived dedication to the sport has resulted in downright dominance this winter, evident by a near-perfect 40-1 mark and surpassing the career 100-win milestone.

Even before he hits the mats in Atlantic City this week, Jones already is in the process of achieving his biggest and most important goal.

“My goal isn’t to win a state title, wasn’t to win a Region title or to win 40 matches,” he said. “It was to get rid of OCD and anxiety. I feel like I’m on my way. I knew if I just fixed myself that everything would fall into place.”

Everything appears to be heading in the right direction.

Jones will enter Boardwalk Hall very much a contender for a podium finish at 145 pounds as the No. 12 seed.

He now speaks proudly and with his head up when he says he is no longer defined by wins or losses – nor do the outcomes determine whether he is happy or not.

“They used to have that effect,” he said. “After every season, I’ve had some really tough times. Losing matches was like the end of the world to me. But now, I’m getting better. I’ve seen so much worse stuff, it kind of puts a lot of things in perspective. You see a kid like Brandon Green, No. 1 in the state, and you feel so bad for him that he can’t wrestle. You see a kid like Joe Zargo [of Bergen Catholic], torn ACL, out for the year.

“At the end of the day, he’s still Joe Zargo, a great wrestler. Brandon Green is still Brandon Green, a great person and a great wrestler. If I win or lose, I’m still Alex Jones.”

JJ Conrad may be reached at jconrad@njadvancemedia.com. Follow him on Twitter, @JJ_Conrad.